Hark! Alack, misfortune has befallen me, for I have been cast out of my employ a few moons hence! My skills in the cryptic arts of cybersecurity lieth unused. Should thine ears hear of any vacancy in this noble field, prithee, let me know with all haste!

She turned me into a newt!

I am the destroyer of mountains, the killer of kings. I always fly by yet I don't have wings. I can end basketball games or marriages with similar ease, and though I flow like a stream, only water can freeze. I've murdered parents, and children, and houseplants galore, yet despite all this you always want more. Who am I?

Just wants to run berries